MST72084

This explanation will be hard to come by, so I figure I’ll write it down for reference later. The trigger to the following statements stem from an incident that happened earlier today, but in reality its four months in the making.

I developed a strong sense of self at a young age. A lot of it came from my parents. I could be a lazy kid in school, so it was a regular occurrence at my house to be getting in an argument over bad test grades, or saving projects until the last minute. Pretty soon that got tiring, so I started getting work done just to avoid the punishment. It was right around this time too that I started to get in to hardcore and punk music. The general theme for a majority of the bands I was listening to was the Straight Edge lifestyle and empowerment of it.

So there I was, a kid learning about the benefits of abstaining from drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sex, and also learning the perks of being self-reliant. That couldn’t be a more appropriate documentation of the moment I found myself. When I stepped in to my first weight room, all the ingredients were there for me to create the man writing this today.

I was introduced to the world of bodybuilding after a few years of tinkering at the High School gym. A gym opened in my home town in July of 1999. I had heard a few people around the halls talking about it, so one day I asked my Mom to come with me to check it out. I walked in and met the guy who owned it. He was one of the biggest guys I had ever stood in front of. To a kid who had just hit his growth spurt and looked like a drawing of an alien from outer space by abducted, I wanted what he had. I walked out that day with my membership, and found a second home. I spent every free minute there. It came down to me being there so much the guy let me work there in return for training. It was at this gym I learned the lessons of persistence, dedication, patience, and humility.

There is a strange process that goes on in the mind when the body is being taxed. I’m sure there are a lot of elements that come together to nurture this change, but in its most raw, I began to set expectations for myself. It turned from “I have to do this today?” to “I HAVE to do this today”. School work got done sooner so that there was more time for training and learning. I had an outlet for a lot of those teenage awkward years. I was also in to something that no one in school knew about. It was mine.

College was the next step. I was away from home for the first time. I didn’t know anyone, and I didn’t really know what was going on. It was pretty simple for me. Sink or swim, so I swam. I had learned a lot about myself to that point, but did not have as much self-reliance as I once believed. My safety nets were still there, but hours away. I had to do it on my own. For the most part, I did. I relied upon friends and family still, but carried on and took care of business on my own.

I’m not trying to make this a self-aggrandizing post, but I am using these instances as a means to convey this simple fact. I am driven by a need to succeed, and do it alone. Sometimes I push too hard on the pedal and end up making brash decisions. When I left my training position, I felt stagnant. I wanted to push further, harder, and longer, but didn’t know how. I had myself convinced that it was the right thing to do. It quickly turned in to a pride conflict; I couldn’t go back and admit defeat or face criticism. When I did submit, I vowed to come back and stronger and sharper. This is not my job, this is my passion. I am intense, I am passionate, and I am stubborn. I know all of these things. There are some people who may not know how to handle this. Success to me is not measured in dollars earned, but in the satisfaction of the people learning under me. This means that I may have to go to the place where I can be in tune the most, my sanctuary, my office and study, read, or write. I let it go once; I will not make the same mistake twice.